Nathaniel Mish
Mr. B-G
Block E
10/14/09
Breaking the Silence by: Nathaniel Mish
Today in society you mean nothing without wealth. Everyone focuses on becoming wealthy and will do anything to get it. With this constant goal of becoming rich, people forget the little things. They tend to skip over these things and not consider what is truly valuable. For me its the priceless moments that never leave your mind and have a huge impact in your life. So, what is truly valuable?
School is finally over, and yet my day of hard work is not yet over. I get on the bus and sit. Before I know it im at Tailgate. My work day begins, I do the trash, stock items, seems simple but it can get annoying. After countless hours working I finally have the money to get the one thing ive been saving for.
On my day off and I have a ride, my eyes shine. Filled with joy and sheer excitement I sprint to my mom. In the most pleasant tone I ask, "Can you take me to the mall?" When I get there I bust out my wallet and snatch my ATM card out. I feed it to the magical machine that gives me these pieces of paper and I can trade them for my ipod. I punch in my pin number and tell the machine to give me $200. It then spits out $200 in 20 dollar bills. Then it spits out my card. Greedily I snatch the money and card and stuff it in my wallet. It was then difficult to close my wallet.
I get into the Apple store and pounce on the ipod. Greedily I snatch a case for it not realizing I have mas a mistake and gad grabbed the case for the iphone. I give my greenbacks to the man and he hands me my treasure. As I walk out of the store and into the car I hold tight to the bag. Finally the ipod touch is mine! I got the lowest memory version because thats all I could afford at that time. I think the 8 gigabytes will be enough for me.
Now everyday Ii get done with a day of school, sitting through grueling class after class, I unload my backpack full of books and binders and homework. I sit down make myself comfortable and whip out my ipod. I unravel the neatly coiled pearl white ear buds and firmly position them in my ear. I quickly type in my lock code and im in. My home screen is full of apps but im not here for them. I click on the music icon and im exposed to the huge library of song after song. I quickly scroll down to my favorite local band that is from Northampton ,MA, Killswitch Engage. I look through my songs and find what I was looking for. I break the silence with a song coincidentally names "Break the Silence".
My family is very close. When were in trouble theres always someone to get your back. Theres always someone to help you solve a problem. Me and my brother Matt are especially close. We share our deepest thoughts with each other. Also we express our inner most problems and help each other solve them.
I walk out the door, I can hear my brother's metallic keys clanging against each other as he walks. He puts the key in the ignition and were ready. He turns the key and the engine comes alive. We back out of our driveway and start out journey. We putter down our street then head towards Plains School. At the intersection we turn, going to Chicopee. On this particular cold night we happened to go and get some Dunkin' Doughnuts white hot chocolates. We pull up to the window and get our delectable treat. We turn into a parking space and sip at our cups. As we sit in the car we talk about whats been troubling us. My brother asks me how the high school is going. I exclaim "GREAT". After sometime sitting in the car drinking the hot chocolate we decide that it is time to end our drive and go home. As we drive we talk more and decide to drive around more. Then after a prolonged ride we go home and go and do what we were doing before we left.
Mr. B-G
Block E
10/14/09
Breaking the Silence by: Nathaniel Mish
Today in society you mean nothing without wealth. Everyone focuses on becoming wealthy and will do anything to get it. With this constant goal of becoming rich, people forget the little things. They tend to skip over these things and not consider what is truly valuable. For me its the priceless moments that never leave your mind and have a huge impact in your life. So, what is truly valuable?
School is finally over, and yet my day of hard work is not yet over. I get on the bus and sit. Before I know it im at Tailgate. My work day begins, I do the trash, stock items, seems simple but it can get annoying. After countless hours working I finally have the money to get the one thing ive been saving for.
On my day off and I have a ride, my eyes shine. Filled with joy and sheer excitement I sprint to my mom. In the most pleasant tone I ask, "Can you take me to the mall?" When I get there I bust out my wallet and snatch my ATM card out. I feed it to the magical machine that gives me these pieces of paper and I can trade them for my ipod. I punch in my pin number and tell the machine to give me $200. It then spits out $200 in 20 dollar bills. Then it spits out my card. Greedily I snatch the money and card and stuff it in my wallet. It was then difficult to close my wallet.
I get into the Apple store and pounce on the ipod. Greedily I snatch a case for it not realizing I have mas a mistake and gad grabbed the case for the iphone. I give my greenbacks to the man and he hands me my treasure. As I walk out of the store and into the car I hold tight to the bag. Finally the ipod touch is mine! I got the lowest memory version because thats all I could afford at that time. I think the 8 gigabytes will be enough for me.
Now everyday Ii get done with a day of school, sitting through grueling class after class, I unload my backpack full of books and binders and homework. I sit down make myself comfortable and whip out my ipod. I unravel the neatly coiled pearl white ear buds and firmly position them in my ear. I quickly type in my lock code and im in. My home screen is full of apps but im not here for them. I click on the music icon and im exposed to the huge library of song after song. I quickly scroll down to my favorite local band that is from Northampton ,MA, Killswitch Engage. I look through my songs and find what I was looking for. I break the silence with a song coincidentally names "Break the Silence".
My family is very close. When were in trouble theres always someone to get your back. Theres always someone to help you solve a problem. Me and my brother Matt are especially close. We share our deepest thoughts with each other. Also we express our inner most problems and help each other solve them.
I walk out the door, I can hear my brother's metallic keys clanging against each other as he walks. He puts the key in the ignition and were ready. He turns the key and the engine comes alive. We back out of our driveway and start out journey. We putter down our street then head towards Plains School. At the intersection we turn, going to Chicopee. On this particular cold night we happened to go and get some Dunkin' Doughnuts white hot chocolates. We pull up to the window and get our delectable treat. We turn into a parking space and sip at our cups. As we sit in the car we talk about whats been troubling us. My brother asks me how the high school is going. I exclaim "GREAT". After sometime sitting in the car drinking the hot chocolate we decide that it is time to end our drive and go home. As we drive we talk more and decide to drive around more. Then after a prolonged ride we go home and go and do what we were doing before we left.
These two things are completely different but they are the same in some ways. They both are extremely valuable to me. They are different because they are valuable in different ways. My ipod helps me to relax after a long day. It also is used when im angry and I just blare my music. The "Midnight Drive" is valuable in the fact that it brings me closer to my brother and helps me vent my problems. The drive has most likely saved me from insanity. With all the people in my house it gets pretty hectic. Also my parents are constantly yelling at me so it lets me vent out so I dont bottle it up until I burst. Also I understand the effect of stress and bottled up problems. My brother suffers from a mental disorder and ive seen when stress can do. Stress to me is a very strong force. The drive helps to soothe that and help to keep me and my brother sane. Both are very valuable and I wouldn't give them up for anything in the world. Theres nothing like going on a drive with my brother and turning the radio to 106.9 and here the sounds of Killswitch Engage, and to rock out with my brother in a car.
1. The author talks about value. He says that the people today focus on getting rich. He says that they forget the little things in life that don't come with a price tag. He values his car rides with his brother and his iPod.
ReplyDelete2. I thought both items were both vividly decribed. But, I'd have to say the iPod was most vividly described. You used great words such as snatched and greedily to show how much you wanted the iPod. That is why I thought that the iPod was most vividly described.
3. There were many strengths in the essay. The best overall strength would have to be the opening pargraph. It really draws the reader in. "Everyone focuses on becoming wealthy and will do anything to get it. With this constant goal of becoming rich, people forget the little things." This quote is relatable to what really happens today and it made me continue reading.
4. The one thing to fix in your essay is to capitalize your I's. Whenever you start a sentence with I or use it in the middle of a sentence you have to capitlize it. Also you don't need a heading. Otherwise, it's perfect.
I. You really seem to value friendship and relaxation through music. Value to to you is not just material value. It is a lot more. You really seem to value your ipod more for it being able to relax you through music that you want than for it's value: $200. And you value your friendship with your brother because it lets you vent and helps you keep your peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteII. I thought that you talked about your ipod a lot more than you talked about Matt's and your's midnight drive. You talked about your ipod in the first paragraph, but you also explained how you got the money to pay for it. There was a lot more detail in it than the midnight excursions, especially at the part where you are in the actual store and see it and paying for it. The detail was perfect in there.
III. Your essay really had good word choice and description. Your use of metaphors and similes is extensive, but it isn't used to much to the point of taking away from the main theme of the story. Also, the way you use certain word is really good. Every word in every sentence counts and adds to the main theme of the story.
IV. One area your essay ahs room for improvement for is the conclusion. Your conclusion is linked to the "last paragraph" of the description of your midnight drive. Consider separating the two, and then lengthening your paragraph or even make it two. Your first paragraph could be summarizing the two things you value and the other could be comparing and contrasting as well as a brief one sentence summarization of value including something about your values.
*EDITOR'S NOTE*
Editing:
-Capitalize all your i's.
-places that need editing:
-2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: capitalize "i".
-2nd paragraph, 6th sentence: capitalize both "i's"
-3rd paragraph, 1st and 2nd sentences: capitalize "i"
-3rd paragraph, 3rd paragraph, capitalize at the beginning and capitalize "i".
...YOU REALLY NEED TO CAPITALIZE YOU "I'S!!!!!"
1. Nate says in here that most people in society only focus on small things like money, but they don't care about little things.
ReplyDelete2. I think the IPod deal with described more well. You gave a lot back details on it, which gave it a more in depth understand of it, which made it easier to comprehend.
3. Your essay was very well put together, using alot of descriptive adjectives which contributed to the essay very will. The metaphors used in this essay really contribute to how good it is.
4. The main thing I think you should fix in your essay is that you need to watch your conventions. There are a lot of lower case I's that need to be fixed.
1) the author seems to be saying that hte little things in life are more valuable than the expensive.
ReplyDelete2)I think the ipod was described more vividly, it gave me a clear picture and was very readable, it also stayed with me after I finished reading.
3)I love how the writer uses metaphores in the essay. It gives something memorable but very simplistic.
4) I think that his over all work was good I can't really fault it, although maybe describe more.
The author says that people focus too much on becoming rich and buying a lot of things that they think are valuable. He values those priceless moments more. He values his Ipod touch and his midnight drives with his brother.
ReplyDeleteI think that the Ipod touch was described better. You can really imagine how much the author wanted the ipod with his word choice, saying things like "greedily." There was a lot of detail about the Ipod. The author explained how it was such an important part of his everyday life.
The strength of this essay was the word choice. The descriptions really keep the reader's attention. The metaphors were a great addition too.
There were a few typos in the essay like "Greedily I snatch a case for it not realizing I have mas a mistake and gad grabbed the case for the iphone" but its easy to tell what the author was trying to say. Otherwise I think this was a great essay!